Learning through loss

Back last summer I learned that my biological father, Johnny was diagnosed with lung cancer. This was such a shock to me. My dad Kenneth, who raised me since birth, passed away from lung cancer in 2002 and learning that Johnny had cancer as well nearly broke me down. 

I didn't know what to say, what to do. Here was this man who is a part of me, and we didn't really know each other.
So for a few weeks I'd randomly go out and sit on the back porch with him and we'd talk. Well, he'd talk and I would sit and listen. How sad that a daughter doesn't know her father.

I learned that when he was growing up, that he lived in a house just down the road from the first house Timmy and I lived in when we got married. That my love of the dirt track comes from him since he use to race. I realized that we smile and laugh alike, and that deep down, I truly did love him.

Johnny is on the far right. This was taken during his dirt track racing days. Notice the guy on the left holding the checkered flag? 

I tried to fight that part of me for a long time. Here is this man who calls just a few months after my daddy passed away to tell me that he was my father. To a 17 year old this is heart breaking and unacceptable. I didn't want to know him. Why would I? After all of these years here is this stranger who comes into my life and wants to be a part of it. How is that acceptable? 

But now, that he's passed away, I'm ashamed of the way I treated him. I shunned him because I didn't want to accept him, and when I was able to accept the fact that he was my father and that no matter what I wanted or thought, that he would always be my father, it was too late. 

Two weeks before he passed away of a heart attack, I gave him a letter. I wish I had that letter here to share with you, but his wife Betty has it. But I started the letter off something like this - 

Dear Johnny - or dad,

I'm not really sure what I should call you. I get so confused. . .

I told him that I had said things that I regretted. That my biggest regret was not getting to know him, my family, my brothers and sisters. I told him about myself. How I love old movies and that I had always felt that a part of me was missing and that spot was filled when I found out about my older brother who shares the same birthday as me. I told him about my life growing up; how I never needed anything and that my dad was my world.

But then I opened up a part of my heart and soul and told him how I felt about him. I told him that no matter, I had always loved him, I just fought that love. I felt as though I was cheating my dad by loving him as well, but that I had realized that there was enough love in me to share with him as well. That I had stood by my dads side while he fought his battle with cancer and that I would stand by his side as well. That if he feel, I'd be there to pick him up no matter what. 

When I handed him that note, I hugged him, kissed him on the cheek and told him to "read this after I leave. I can't say out loud what I can put into words. I love you." Then I got in the car and left. 

A few weeks later I received a voice mail and all it said was, "Megan, its your sister Penny. Please call me back." I knew. And I lost it.  I had lost a part of me that I never really got a chance to know. I lost so much, yet gained so much in the end.

I gained the love of a sister (Penny). Someone that I can call and talk to about him if I need to. I gained a family that helped me get through the loss. Brothers and sisters whom I barely knew, aunts, uncles and cousins who accepted me into their family. I gained love at the same time that I lost a chunk of myself. Do you understand what I mean? It so hard to put into words. 

Johnny with me at my High School graduation.

But he was there at things that my dad wasn't able to be at. He was at my high school graduation, at my proms and even though I tried to fight it, he was there if I needed him. Since he's passed, my mom has told me a lot of things that I needed to know. About why he wasn't a part of my life growing up and why she made the decisions she made. Even though I didn't understand when I first found out, I understand her choices now, and I don't regret one minute of my life so far.

Why should we regret the life we've lived when we can't go back and change the past? All we can do is learn from our mistakes and use them as a foundation for a better, stronger, smarter future. 

This August will be a year since he's been gone. This November will be 11 years since my dad Kenneth passed away. It's so hard to accept, but all I know is that through God, all things are possible. I believe Johnny loved me for me no matter what. And in all honesty, I love him too.